Soul.

How many times do you get chills?

Funny Friday

Things that are only funny on a Friday...or maybe all the time.

Shwone.

Shtwo.

Year of the Eagle/Dog.

Really? Just when I thought it was safe to walk the dog without a leash in Rittenhouse Square and then this...

Read 3 posts down...I take that back.

- I guess Michael Vick won't need a good dog walker....oh!

- I'd hate to live three dogs, I mean doors down from Vick...oh!

- Good thing Philly has a great Chinatown to celebrate the year of the dog...oh!

- Fact: Michael Vick only bangs doggystyle...oh!

- I guess they won't have the dog-chasing-frisbee routine as a half time show in Philly this year...

In his press conference, Vick said, "I had to reach a turning point, and prison did it for me." So let me paraphrase; It took getting nailed by a dude named 'Big Renee' down at state to realize that shooting, hanging, and drowning dogs is wrong?

At least we have a great "support system" in Philly. I mean, look at Andy Reid. Now he's got another kid he can't handle...only this one is black, has millions of dollars, 6"0 215lbs, doesn't know the age of his own children and kills dogs for fun.

That being said, I think this is sort of awesome. Just for shock value. I may boo Vick at first (especially on behalf of my dog), but after he throws, catches and runs for over 200 yards in one game, I'll be ok with the guy...as a Philadelphia Eagle - never as friend, dog-sitter, or human being for that matter.

Joan Rivers, Roasted.

Check this clip of Greg Giraldo roasting Joan Rivers.

more.

"You look like you smell like pee." That's funny.

He did it! He blogged is pants, again!

It's back!

This made me do it (Not really, but still, It did). If it happened in Philly, I wouldn't be surprised at all. I'm not really surprised it happens other places too. What an amazing showering by the fan who tossed the booze. It's perfect. You couldn't script it any better. Not only does Victorino get hit with a serious facial on his domeski, but the cup - the cup hits him as well.

My theory is: If you're gonna waste a beer, and also get hit with some legal charges, you might as well toss that fuckin' cup!

Long time, no blog.

- When Michael Vick is sacked for the first time since leaving prison, I hope that the player making the sack lies on top of him and says, "Does this remind you of the good 'ol days in prison...Welcome back to the NFL, mother f*%$@r."

- The Denver Nuggets should change their name to the 'Thuggets'* 

*From Mortis. 

Well worth it.

That's a great shot. 

Feist.

Saw this live and got chills. Watch, listen. 

Kobe...

Kobe threw an elbow and should be suspended. Also, stop talking trash to Shane Battier, it's weird. Nobody has ever talked trash to Shane Battier. 

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. Shane Battier is a nice guy, and unlike Kobe, he's never raped anyone. 

Kobe: 0 

Shane Battier: 1 

Manny being Manny.

Why am I not surprised Manny took steroids? That's just Manny being Manny, taking steroids. 

Baseball is silly. Steroids should be allowed, and the most 'roided out players should also have to compete in the world's strongest man competition. 

Class Trip.

Must read. Funny.

"A Fire Beneath Me" - A Haiku.

The late April heat.
Walking, waddling, chaffing.
Prescription for me.

Small talk at the office.

Intern: How's it going?
Me: Pretty good, same old...trying not to get swine flu. How are you?

Summer Concert Tour.

Kicked off last night with The Dead live at Madison Square Garden. 

- Highlights included Sugaree and Gimme Shelter. 

- There's an extreme awkwardness in the audience at least 2 minutes into every dead song until someone can recognize the title. Even the most veteran deadheads struggle. 

- Warren Haynes keeps the band tight and on track. 

- Mike Gordon was sitting on the side of the stage. 

- Sitting directly behind the stage is a cool way to see a show. 

- Give someone a 'miracle'. 

- Don't eat pre-wrapped burritos. 

- The crowd outside of a dead concert is scary, depressing and smelly. 

Flu.

If I keep kosher, can I still get swine flu? 

Beef.

Apparently Subway does not offer a turkey $5 footlong anymore. Really? So when I'm standing in line, practicing and reciting my order in my head for 5 minutes while waiting in line, I'm told that the $5 footlong deal DOES NOT include turkey. So in front of everyone in line I have no choice but to say, "It's ok, I'll pay the extra", as opposed to: A. being a complete hobo and saying I can't afford it and walking out completely defeated, or B. Saying, "Oh that's ok, I want ham. I love ham. I wanted lots of ham anyway. Ham, ham, ham, ham...ham."

The $5 footlong deal is crap! 

Plan B.

Check this out.  

Pretty awesome, right? I mean, c'mon...who's with me!? 

I'm kidding, I'm kidding...But seriously...

Sir Lebron.

At some point in the near future, Lebron James will legally change his name to simply, 'Lebron'; no James needed. 

Up there with the likes of Madonna, Prince, Sting, Beck, and...Your mother. 

Melting.

Name this man. Last seen on the stage during Girl Talk. Coachella Music Festival 2009. 

Robotics.

Oh, Stephen Hawking is 'ill'. Because he was totally normal before...

I mean, no offense, but c'maaan...look at this guy. 

To do list.

- Walk up to someone wearing a suit and holding a folder and ask, "How'd the interview go?" 

- Stare at the subway tracks until you see a rat. 

- Stand in the front of an elevator, and take your time exiting. 

- Watch the Martha Stewart Show and then remember that she was in prison. 

- Ask a random person, "Have you ever seen a grown man naked before?"

- Stare at a toddler in a stroller until it's awkward. 

Tyler Perry

Why do all of his shows use his name in the title? 

- Tyler Perry's House of Payne

- Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail

- Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns 

- Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married

The list goes on...

Is it really necessary for his name to be in every title? He's the only black guy that has a monopoly on predominately black sitcoms. It's cocky. 

Refer to oneself in the third person more often. Babou likes. 

Are you there God, it's me...

Pull God's finger.

Cool... science...

*Yes, I capitalize God. 

'Lights Out' for Kalas.

RIP Harry Kalas, the voice of the Philadelphia Phillies.

My face.

A conversation that took place. 

Friend: Are you going to Phish this summer?

Me: Uh, yeah. 

Friend: Yeah, I'm trying to get tickets for Red Rocks. 

Me: You should. Go on StubHub. It's worth it. 

Friend: Yeah, I probably will. Did you pay face?

Me: Yes, I will be paying with my face. Consider it melted. 

Can't help but think...

So you're watching Women's basketball (why you're watching is another story), and you can't help but go through the lineup and wonder...

'Would I ______ her?' 

ffffbeat, beat her. Beat her at basketball. The game of basketball. 

Dylan's still got it.

Listen to 'Feel a Change Comin' On'  off his new album. 

"She and Him"

Zooey Deschanel & M. Ward. 

Look for it and listen. 

Band Names.

Mookie Blaylock's Funk Infusion. 

&

The Sticky Bandits. 

Women's College Basketball...

is terrifying. The hardest, most frustrating sport to watch. It's already bad enough, and this on top of it...

- The inability to look smooth

- The coaches hairdos 

- The fouls

- Geno Auriemma

  I would never leave a child unattended with this man, Geno Auriemma. 

A joke, for Letterman.

You know what they say about that Madoff guy, don't you? Yeah, he really made-off with some money. Ha! 

To golf fans.

Stop trying to be the first person to yell, "get in the hole" after a player tees off. It's a par 5, the ball isn't 'getting in the hole' yet. The most tame crowd of people dressed in khaki pants, golf shirts, [insert golf company name here] hat, and golf shoes (which is odd, considering they're not playing) just waiting to erupt as real sports if only for a split-second. There's something very uncomfortable about watching/listening to men say it, but even more so when women say it, almost angrily...

Scene: It's just before sunset, 18th hole. A slight breeze gently swirls off the adjacent pond. The match is tied, and the crowd roars as the players approach the green; flashbulbs crackling. All of the sudden, out from the calm waters of the pond, a drunk man dressed in a Loch Ness monster suit, face exposed, climbs the banks of the pond and waddles onto the green. Wreaking of whiskey and pond water, and attempting to make what he believes to be noises that only the Loch Ness is capable of making, a grunting birdlike squawk, he begins to spin like a top with his arms extended. As he attempts to stop, he staggers to his left and to his right, trying to maintain his balance. All the while,  the players, the fans, the commentators and the flashbulbs are silent; all that is heard is the man's grunting birdlike squawk. As he fails to maintain his balance, the man face-plants directly in front of the hole. The man, visibly in pain from his fall, yet too drunk to give up, begins to gather himself. As he comes to his knees, he begins to lean over the hole, and proceeds to vomit until it has overflown onto the green. Wiping the remains of his pink, chunky vomit from the sides of his mouth, the man rises to his feet, faces the grandstands, throws his arms in the air and yells, "GET IN THE HOLE"

Better use of the bench?

Let's see what multi-million dollar athlete can exploit their bench more. Lebron's photoshoot is funny. It's funny, but now Shaq is trying to outwit Lebron's pre-game photoshoot by usinq his Pheonix suns teammates as bowling pins. 

Can you picture a 7-foot man trying to choreograph a bowling sequence? It probably goes something like this:

Shaq (in ultra-deep voice): Hey. Guys. Here's what we're gonna do. Ok. Bowling. You guys are the pins. I bowl, you fall. K?

Steve Nash (Slightly high, yet still 'I'm a workhorse' type of voice): Uh, hey, Shaquille. Yeah, I don't mean to...well, I just think, no offense, that we should probably be more concerned with trying to make the 8th and final spot in the playoffs instead of doing this stupid pre-game bowling thing. 

Shaq (Even deeper voice): You're not a pin. WE don't need you.  

Steve Nash: Ok, Shaq, whatever...I'm just gonna go out there, like I do night after night, and continue to tear defenses apart. Good luck with your bowling, weirdo. 

At least the cavs' photoshoot includes starters, making it look more like Lebron isn't forcing them to participate. Shaq's pins include: Louis Amundson, Goran Dragic, Jared Dudley, Robin Lopez, Stromile Swift, and Alando Tucker. It would be funny if one of the pins, say Goran Dragic, decided to deviate from the plan and not fall down. Shaq doesn't always bowl strikes! 

What does a guy like Wally Szczerbiak do in these situations...? Play the game. 

Guess what?

I just took a petaflop, and it felt awesome. 

The Pole.

I feel like a stripper when I grab the pole in the center of the subway car. I get stage fright and it makes me feel cheap. 

The Rimshot.

When a talk show host* or guest says something particularly funny, short, and witty, the drummer of the house band often acknowledges that moment with a rimshot (a different form of rimming; get your head out of the gutter).

The rimshot isn't scripted and it's not rehearsed. Rather, the rimmy exists as a rare moment, often in a live setting, that elevates the level of a clever remark above the already humorous environment the remark originated from, and thus achieving a level of unparralled funny.

Notice though, all the while, this whole scenario rests upon the shoulders of a drummer. A person who's musical career probably began with a civilized instrument, say, a piano, and quickly turned toward making as much noise as humanly possible because ADHD has its way with them.

Let it be known that the drummer does not simply give away rimshots to anyone; a rimshot is earned. But, if it should be the drummer with the ultimate decision resting at their fingertips, who's to say that drummers are the best judge of not just funny, but extra-funny?

I'm left to believe that drummers - not critics, comedians, writers, producers, editors, dead babies, or clowns - determine what it means for something to be funny.



*Jimmy Fallon doesn't get rimshots, he gets rimjobs, from guys. I said it!

One of the best whistling songs.

Taj Mahal - Ain't Gwine to Whistle Dixie (Any Mo')

Get it. 

Dick (Vitale) Madness.

Funny.

Throwback Jam of the Day

Knock on Wood - Eddie Floyd

Worst part about being president.

Not being able to wear cool ties. 

AIG

Are you retarded? 

Madness.

- I'll take Pittsburgh. 

- Obama is a cool cat. 

- Tourney pools are not the happening at work, SXSW is. 

- New York is dusty. 

Full House.

So, New York. You're in New York City, and you figure you gonna see an Olsen twin,* it's really just a matter of time. It's like Where's Waldo; you know they're in the picture, it's just a matter of time before you see them. 

You know where the story is going. Obviously went to a pretentious bar/basement. One of the Olsen twins was in the DJ booth, where else, right? She was clearly friends with the DJ, who decided to give her free reign (like no DJ at all...). Her set included:

- Buffalo Springfield 

- Janis Joplin

- Stevie Nicks

- Tracy Chapman

- Richie Havens 

Clearly she loves the 60's. She loves drugs, and she might as well have played the entire Woodstock album. But that's neither here nor there. 

Ah, you might think, what a fine young woman to have acknowledged these fine artists. Michelle knows her stuff. However, if you should be as critical and as musically smug as me, you would note  that she was merely playing the "basics" of each artist, if you were searching on itunes essentials. No depth. 

That being said, I saw an Olsen, and I did my hardest to sing Janis Joplin's "Piece of my Heart" as loud and melodramatic as possible so as to gain Ms. Olsen's attention. So she would acknowledge that I acknowledged her selections, and possibly entertain the idea of liking me as more than just a friend.

The previous story is true. The following is fiction:

I went up to the DJ booth and said, "play some Van. Van the man" and then proceeded to pump my fist. After her posse realized I was alone and clearly a huge fan of Full House, they looked at me like I was crazy. I then proceeded to say, "What, no van? Why so serious?"**

I'm told it was Mary-Kate, although I don't think anybody really knows. I don't even think the Olsens know. 

* Incidentally, everyone in New York claims to "know" or be "friends" with the Olsens. 

*Get it. Heath Ledger. The Dark Night. Too soon? 

The Best.

My all-time favorite Saturday Night Live musical performance.

Yeah. Better than the one you like. 

For the kids.

Jim James covers Kermit the Frog's, 'Rainbow Connection' 

So does Jason Mraz.

The Tone Rangers (Gary, on the kick drum).  

Or the original with Debbie Harry.* 

You decide. 

*Didn't realize it when I was younger, but, Debbie Harry, babe alert! I mean, hey, HOW AH YA!? 

Enjoyment.

Watching bad NBA teams play each other. I love it. 

Paper Jam > Print > Paper Jam

Had to phish out some paper that was stuck in the printer today at work. Paper Jam, the not so heady jam.

Jimmy Rollins Commercial.

Great. 

Phish is helping the economy, see!

1.2 million in illegal drugs seized at Phish reunion. Check it out.

Upper middle class caucasian kids, yes we can!

Wash ufizzi drive me to firenze.

YES. Trampolines. 

Jai Ho

Just saw the slumdog millionaire himself walking out of the Rittenhouse Hotel. I waited around to see if his "girlfriend" was also at the hotel to confess my love, but she was nowhere to be seen. 

Phish is Back on the Train

- Page sounds amazing

- Mike rocks the sleeveless better than anyone 

- Fishman makes Trey better

- The lights are out of control

- I check the setlist while I'm out at night

- Phish is helping the economy; Burrito, goo-ball, pizzadilla, heady crystal, hacky sack, frisbee and tie-dye sales are all up. However, soap, shampoo, and general hygienic product sales are down as a result of the tour.*

*Taken from Bear. 

Night II

                                               Dank. 

3/7/09 

Set I: 

Back on the Train 

Runaway Jim 

Brian & Robert 

Split Open and Melt 

Heavy Things 

Punch You in the Eye 

Gumbo

Reba 

Mexican Cousin 

It's Ice 

Haley's Comet 

Beauty of a Broken Heart

Guelah Papyrus 

Lawn Boy 

Run like an Antelope 

Set II: 

Rock & Roll

Limb by Limb 

Story of the Ghost 

Piper 

Bids of a Feather 

Wolfman's Brother 

Prince Caspian 

Mike's Song > 

I am Hydrogen >

Weekapaug Groove 

Character Zero 

Encore: 

A Day in the Life 

It feels good.

                                                   Yes. 

Watch it happen. 

9/6/09

Set I: 

Fluffhead 

Divided Sky 

Chalkdust Torture 

Sample In A Jar 

Stash 

I Didn't Know

Oh Kee Pah >

Suzy Greenberg

Farmhouse 

NICU

Horn 

Rift 

Train Song 

Water in the Sky 

Squirming Coil 

David Bowie 

Set II: 

Backwards Down The Number Line 

Tweezer 

Taste 

Possum

Theme From the Bottom 

First Tube

Harry Hood 

Waste 

You Enjoy Myself

Encore:

Grind

Bouncin' Around the Room 

Loving Cup 

The hair behind the man on the $20

Quick, President with the best hair? Easy, Andrew Jackson, duh. Andrew Jackson had a great head of hair. It's like Bon Jovi, but better. You don't want Rock Star hair, you want Andrew Jackson hair.

On the head wash

The sexual tension between you and the woman (or man) that washes your hair just before you get it cut...

It's a head massage, not a head washing and it's amazing. I'm not gonna lie, after I get my hair washed I feel guilty tipping, it's like a lapdance, but better. Except, it's in front of 15, 70 year-old women with curlers in their hair.

Is it creepy if I just go to get my hair washed from now on without the cut? Will I be arressted?

On New York, and Immigration sort of...

So I've been in New York recently, and it got me thinking...people aren't really that nice. I used to think it was just the locals that weren't nice. But now, even the people that serve you food at random deli's. etc are mean.* The 5"0, acne-ridden, toothless mexican guy at Cafe Metro is a jerk. He can barely speak english, but from what I can make of it, he's being a dick.

No offense, but shouldn't a guy like this be the happiest little jumping bean this side of the border? He gets paid more than I do, and something tells me that maybe all of his tax returns and personal identification information aren't totally crytal clear.

*To his credit, he makes a mean tuna sandwhich. The good kind of mean.

Furthermore...

I've never been in the car, or anywhere for that matter, with someone that has ever put a U2 song on, or been like, "dude, man...you gotta hear this new U2 song, it rocks." 

It just doesn't happen. Maybe my friends just have good taste.

U2, U are still the worst.

CBS is trying to get viewers to watch Letterman (because NBC has introduced Jimmy Fallon to late night television), so they have U2 closing out the show all week. Now, instead of normally watching all of Letterman, through the musical guest, I'm changing the channel to anything but U2 so I don't have to see a smug Bono pretend like he's giving the audience the most amazing existential musical experience in the history of the world.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

I turned it off after 10 minutes.* Thought it was the most uncomfortable opening to a late night show, ever. Late night shows are supposed to have a warming sort of feel; it's late, you're cranky, trying to keep your eyes open, amazed you're staying up this late just to see a musical guest or celebrity. You want to giggle, not laugh as hard as possible. As viewers, we're welcoming the host into our homes. Jimmy Fallon looks like he just peed in his pants, who wants that in their house? Nobody wants to see Jimmy Fallon's mumbling, fumbling, prepubescent 10-year old boy shtick. It's annoying.

Late night hosts usually have a unique little chotchkee on their desk; Letterman has a phone and his endless pencils, Conan an Eisenhower mug. Jimmy Fallon has a new macbook. No.

The Roots. Any band that has the drummer as the featured member should not be used for late night television. I like The Roots. That being said, they're too "cool"** for late night television. I want to hear oldies, motown covers. Not "trendy" jazzy hip-hop.***

* I'm watching again tonight. The show can only get better in the future because it was horrible last night.

** The Roots aren't cool. Having them as the house band was a good idea in theory, but doesn't seem to work out. They look cool because Questlove has an anfro, they have a tuba player known as "tuba Gooding Jr." and play a unique brand of music that allows them to seem sophisticated within the context of hip-hop music.

*** I once saw them cover Bob Dylan's Masters of War, and it was cool.

Hey Fallon, you stink.

Don't worry.

To all ma brothas. After speaking with Papa K and Tre Kidd, I want to let everyone know that I'm trying to keep the blog PG-18. That being said, it's safe to say you can open a link at work without being fired. If you are fired, my bad. 

Always judging.

I'm always a little apprehensive about whipping my computer out (amongst other things) on the train and watching stuff. I think everyone is. I feel like I should be using Excel instead of being a degenerate and watching movies; but I can't help being a degenerate. I'm always worried the person next to me is constantly watching my screen, because I definitely watch theirs. I really enjoy reading someone else's email. I was once watching Tropic Thunder, sitting next to a nice little old lady. When I was about to get off the train she said, "Funny movie, isn't it?" 

Today on the train, a serious guy - glasses (assuming they make a person more serious), suit, the whole deal, was watching this.  

This guy.

Bobby Jindal, annoying. Makes me feel much better when I think of him saying, "Danny Boyle." 

Dear Mr. President

Make me a job, please. 

Mayer does GaGa, dah.

Click me, please. 

Beard Head.

You know you want one.  

Yes.

My Morning Jacket live with Erykah Badu. 

Black Cab Music Sessions.

My Morning Jacket. 

Try the Fleet Foxes one too. 

You're very welcome. 

The Oscars

Thoughts on the Oscars...

- I can't believe I watched people walk down a red carpet for over an hour. Couldn't stop watching; it's like crack...and pringles. 

- Oscar Hosts:  Frank Sinatra, Johnny Carson, Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg, Steve Martin, Chris Rock, David Letterman, Jon Stewart AND Wolverine. 

- Ryan Seacrest* asked one of the little Slumdog children who he [the child] was wearing. The kid looked as if he was about to say, "my little sister made it for me back at the Nike factory in India for .23 cents an hour...I mean, she made it for free." 

- Acceptance speeches are awkward. 

- Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are too important, too famous to stop for an interview. Really?  How can you go to the most eagerly awaited, highly anticipated, often imitated, yet never duplicated events of the year,** which you're livelihood depends on (memorizing lines that someone else wrote ), and not answer a few questions. Furthermore, don't adopt an entire village of children and not expect people to ask you family questions. It's silly. Really, it is. 

- I'm in love with Anne Hathaway, she just doesn't know it yet. 

- Mickey Rourke is a...weirdo. 

- As Brad Pitt did field questions on the red carpet, he did so while continuing to walk as if he was in a hurry. You're not a jockey at the Kentucky Derby being interviewed alongside a reporter, relax. You're married to Angelina Jolie, life isn't so bad. Stop being such a dick. 

- Ben Stiller was funny. 

- Listening to an Indian say, "Danny Boyle" never gets old. 

- The most "famous" people were sitting in the first 8 rows. Jolie, Pitt, Hathaway, Langella, Streep, Rourke, Winslet all in one row. Can you say, "power row?" 

- To the little Japanese men who won for Best Foreign Film and for Best Animated Short Film, "Sank You. Sank you berry much." 

- When struggling to read the teleprompter Will Smith definitely referenced a youtube video saying, "boom goes the dynamite." 

- Is Kate Winslet really shocked when she wins, or is she just really good at acting surprised? Either way she's a good actress...Hiyoo! 

- Enough with Beyonce! Enough. I feel like when I open a bathroom stall door she's going to be standing on the toilet. She's everywhere. Stoppit. 

* Ryan Seacrest's production company produced the E! red carpet special as well as the Kardashian reality show. Seacrest should be the one being interviewed. The man is working. 

** The Jr. Skeeter Swift trumps the Oscars. 

Even Hardball Matthews rides da train.

As I was getting off the train (coming home from my new gig at Rolling Stone)*, Chris Matthews was getting on as it headed onward towards Washington. I was pleasantly surprised that Hardball Matthews rides the train and did not have a chauffeur. 

I looked at him for a second, registered, pointed and said, "Hardball" and continued walking. 

*I'm smug. 

Old Fashioned Baseball

Awesome. 

Nice beard, man.

The art of the rock star beard. 

note: Joaquin Phoenix is not a rock star. He's a weirdo. 

Girls just want to grind?

Overheard a larger, healthier looking girl at the bar the other night talking to her friends. When deciding what they were going to do for the night, the queen bee (obviously, big momma), said, "I don't care where we go, I just want to grind and make out with a guy."

I cried myself to sleep. 

Phish Cover

Unreal.

Sigur Ros: Heima

Check out the DVD, live in Iceland.

Dylan.

One of those days...

Blog Name

Please post blog name suggestions in the comments section. Nothing crude, like say, Brain Fart.

Collaboration to be.

Jim James of My Morning Jacket and Robin Pecknold of Fleet Foxes.

If it hasn't happened, it should. Maybe start a religion too.

Eastbound and Down.

There's a new HBO series starring Danny McBride and exec-produced by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay; you've heard about it. It's like a bad Saturday Night Live skit (like most) that goes on for too long, where there's a weird silence between dialogue, and you start to feel awkward even in you're own home. There's a funny one liner just about every 4 or 5 minutes. Other than that I think everyone is just waiting for a scene that features Will Ferrell. Danny McBride has a mullet which is funny, I guess...

If I thought anyone read this blog, or that I had any clout in my critique of the entertainment world I might title this post, "Eastbound and Down? More like Eastbound and Down drowns..."

Hiyooo!

The Onion.

Funny.

Heavy Metal Drummer - Travis Barker.

Try this. 

This. 

and if you're still not sold, this.

Madonna Mia.

I love Israel. I love being Jewish. 

Looking at her picture almost (definitely) makes me angry. Why aren't there more girls like her on J-Date?*

We should be together. We're both chosen, 23 and hot. Either Leonardo DiCaprio really likes guys, or he's a huge anti-Semite for letting her get away. 

A striking/incestual/creepy resemblance between the two in their earlier years. 

  

*I'm not on J-Date, yet. I've heard you can clean up. 

He's Stump. He's Stump.

Congratulations to 10-year-old* Stump on winning the 133rd Westminster Kennel Club dog show. Look at the gait on that thing! 

When asked what he was going to do now that he won best in show, Stump reportedly responded by licking his penis. 

* Why do people feel it necessary to exaggerate the age of a dog by noting it in "dog years?" By this point, isn't everyone familiar with "dog years" to the point where if a dog is older than say, 8, we get that the dog is old. No need for "doggy years", thank you. 

I'm 23, but in dog years I'm 2 and a half.  Sorry for peeing on your foot. 

 

More videos.

If you didn't like John Mayer before, try it. It feels good. 

Face melting guitar solos to be posted soon...

Still listening...

Do it. Click it. 

I talk to jungle animals.

dood. In one of the most beautiful places in the world, and all I could think of was THIS.

An ad for your consideration.

       Philadelphia. Where crime happens. 

Impulse

Sometimes when my dog smells another dog outside, I feel obligated to smell its owner. 

Steve Martin on SNL.

Check it. 

If this performance had been a joke, it might have been funny. Instead it's creepy, often keeps me awake at night, and makes me wonder how much Steve Martin likes children...

Note: Guy on the right...rock star.  

Who's Got My Grammys?

Thoughts on the Grammys. 

- Bono is still a tool.

- Whitney Houston is obviously still using drugs...hard. 

- Clive Davis owns all of music. 

- Coldplay = Sgt. Pepper's Horrible Hobo Band.  

- Paul McCarney's dyed hair is silly looking. 

- Miley Cirus should never win a grammy, ever.

- Jay-Z used to be cool. Yeah, I said it. 

- The process isn't entirely fixed because the Jonas Brothers lost. There is hope. 

- Kate Beckinsale will be mine.

- Adele goes to show that it's about the talent, not the...  

- Robert Plant and Allison Krauss. I guess. 

- Will.I.Am, we get the whole "I can do hip-hop but also be sophisticated and political" thing. Obama is President. Stop looking so angry. 

- Radiohead makes me think hard drugs are worth pursuing. 

- Stevie Wonder ended the show because he doesn't see it as disrespectful that people are getting up to leave. He can't see. 

Did you ever think of mentioning these two in the same sentence: The Jonas Brothers and Stevie Wonder.  I've always been a fan of the often unusal collaborations on the grammys. i.e. Elton John/Eminem, but they got this one all wrong. 

- I'm embarrassed for music. 

- The lead singer of the Jonas Brothers sucks the most. 

- Each Jonas Brother tried to have an intimate moment with Stevie Wonder on stage until they realized he can't see.

- All of the Jonas Brothers wear tighty whiteys and would rather not have weiners; they're inconvenient. 

My First Blog.

I did it, I blogged. But I forgot to wipe.