A joke, for Letterman.

You know what they say about that Madoff guy, don't you? Yeah, he really made-off with some money. Ha! 

To golf fans.

Stop trying to be the first person to yell, "get in the hole" after a player tees off. It's a par 5, the ball isn't 'getting in the hole' yet. The most tame crowd of people dressed in khaki pants, golf shirts, [insert golf company name here] hat, and golf shoes (which is odd, considering they're not playing) just waiting to erupt as real sports if only for a split-second. There's something very uncomfortable about watching/listening to men say it, but even more so when women say it, almost angrily...

Scene: It's just before sunset, 18th hole. A slight breeze gently swirls off the adjacent pond. The match is tied, and the crowd roars as the players approach the green; flashbulbs crackling. All of the sudden, out from the calm waters of the pond, a drunk man dressed in a Loch Ness monster suit, face exposed, climbs the banks of the pond and waddles onto the green. Wreaking of whiskey and pond water, and attempting to make what he believes to be noises that only the Loch Ness is capable of making, a grunting birdlike squawk, he begins to spin like a top with his arms extended. As he attempts to stop, he staggers to his left and to his right, trying to maintain his balance. All the while,  the players, the fans, the commentators and the flashbulbs are silent; all that is heard is the man's grunting birdlike squawk. As he fails to maintain his balance, the man face-plants directly in front of the hole. The man, visibly in pain from his fall, yet too drunk to give up, begins to gather himself. As he comes to his knees, he begins to lean over the hole, and proceeds to vomit until it has overflown onto the green. Wiping the remains of his pink, chunky vomit from the sides of his mouth, the man rises to his feet, faces the grandstands, throws his arms in the air and yells, "GET IN THE HOLE"

Better use of the bench?

Let's see what multi-million dollar athlete can exploit their bench more. Lebron's photoshoot is funny. It's funny, but now Shaq is trying to outwit Lebron's pre-game photoshoot by usinq his Pheonix suns teammates as bowling pins. 

Can you picture a 7-foot man trying to choreograph a bowling sequence? It probably goes something like this:

Shaq (in ultra-deep voice): Hey. Guys. Here's what we're gonna do. Ok. Bowling. You guys are the pins. I bowl, you fall. K?

Steve Nash (Slightly high, yet still 'I'm a workhorse' type of voice): Uh, hey, Shaquille. Yeah, I don't mean to...well, I just think, no offense, that we should probably be more concerned with trying to make the 8th and final spot in the playoffs instead of doing this stupid pre-game bowling thing. 

Shaq (Even deeper voice): You're not a pin. WE don't need you.  

Steve Nash: Ok, Shaq, whatever...I'm just gonna go out there, like I do night after night, and continue to tear defenses apart. Good luck with your bowling, weirdo. 

At least the cavs' photoshoot includes starters, making it look more like Lebron isn't forcing them to participate. Shaq's pins include: Louis Amundson, Goran Dragic, Jared Dudley, Robin Lopez, Stromile Swift, and Alando Tucker. It would be funny if one of the pins, say Goran Dragic, decided to deviate from the plan and not fall down. Shaq doesn't always bowl strikes! 

What does a guy like Wally Szczerbiak do in these situations...? Play the game. 

Guess what?

I just took a petaflop, and it felt awesome. 

The Pole.

I feel like a stripper when I grab the pole in the center of the subway car. I get stage fright and it makes me feel cheap. 

The Rimshot.

When a talk show host* or guest says something particularly funny, short, and witty, the drummer of the house band often acknowledges that moment with a rimshot (a different form of rimming; get your head out of the gutter).

The rimshot isn't scripted and it's not rehearsed. Rather, the rimmy exists as a rare moment, often in a live setting, that elevates the level of a clever remark above the already humorous environment the remark originated from, and thus achieving a level of unparralled funny.

Notice though, all the while, this whole scenario rests upon the shoulders of a drummer. A person who's musical career probably began with a civilized instrument, say, a piano, and quickly turned toward making as much noise as humanly possible because ADHD has its way with them.

Let it be known that the drummer does not simply give away rimshots to anyone; a rimshot is earned. But, if it should be the drummer with the ultimate decision resting at their fingertips, who's to say that drummers are the best judge of not just funny, but extra-funny?

I'm left to believe that drummers - not critics, comedians, writers, producers, editors, dead babies, or clowns - determine what it means for something to be funny.



*Jimmy Fallon doesn't get rimshots, he gets rimjobs, from guys. I said it!

One of the best whistling songs.

Taj Mahal - Ain't Gwine to Whistle Dixie (Any Mo')

Get it. 

Dick (Vitale) Madness.

Funny.

Throwback Jam of the Day

Knock on Wood - Eddie Floyd

Worst part about being president.

Not being able to wear cool ties. 

AIG

Are you retarded? 

Madness.

- I'll take Pittsburgh. 

- Obama is a cool cat. 

- Tourney pools are not the happening at work, SXSW is. 

- New York is dusty. 

Full House.

So, New York. You're in New York City, and you figure you gonna see an Olsen twin,* it's really just a matter of time. It's like Where's Waldo; you know they're in the picture, it's just a matter of time before you see them. 

You know where the story is going. Obviously went to a pretentious bar/basement. One of the Olsen twins was in the DJ booth, where else, right? She was clearly friends with the DJ, who decided to give her free reign (like no DJ at all...). Her set included:

- Buffalo Springfield 

- Janis Joplin

- Stevie Nicks

- Tracy Chapman

- Richie Havens 

Clearly she loves the 60's. She loves drugs, and she might as well have played the entire Woodstock album. But that's neither here nor there. 

Ah, you might think, what a fine young woman to have acknowledged these fine artists. Michelle knows her stuff. However, if you should be as critical and as musically smug as me, you would note  that she was merely playing the "basics" of each artist, if you were searching on itunes essentials. No depth. 

That being said, I saw an Olsen, and I did my hardest to sing Janis Joplin's "Piece of my Heart" as loud and melodramatic as possible so as to gain Ms. Olsen's attention. So she would acknowledge that I acknowledged her selections, and possibly entertain the idea of liking me as more than just a friend.

The previous story is true. The following is fiction:

I went up to the DJ booth and said, "play some Van. Van the man" and then proceeded to pump my fist. After her posse realized I was alone and clearly a huge fan of Full House, they looked at me like I was crazy. I then proceeded to say, "What, no van? Why so serious?"**

I'm told it was Mary-Kate, although I don't think anybody really knows. I don't even think the Olsens know. 

* Incidentally, everyone in New York claims to "know" or be "friends" with the Olsens. 

*Get it. Heath Ledger. The Dark Night. Too soon? 

The Best.

My all-time favorite Saturday Night Live musical performance.

Yeah. Better than the one you like. 

For the kids.

Jim James covers Kermit the Frog's, 'Rainbow Connection' 

So does Jason Mraz.

The Tone Rangers (Gary, on the kick drum).  

Or the original with Debbie Harry.* 

You decide. 

*Didn't realize it when I was younger, but, Debbie Harry, babe alert! I mean, hey, HOW AH YA!? 

Enjoyment.

Watching bad NBA teams play each other. I love it. 

Paper Jam > Print > Paper Jam

Had to phish out some paper that was stuck in the printer today at work. Paper Jam, the not so heady jam.

Jimmy Rollins Commercial.

Great. 

Phish is helping the economy, see!

1.2 million in illegal drugs seized at Phish reunion. Check it out.

Upper middle class caucasian kids, yes we can!

Wash ufizzi drive me to firenze.

YES. Trampolines. 

Jai Ho

Just saw the slumdog millionaire himself walking out of the Rittenhouse Hotel. I waited around to see if his "girlfriend" was also at the hotel to confess my love, but she was nowhere to be seen. 

Phish is Back on the Train

- Page sounds amazing

- Mike rocks the sleeveless better than anyone 

- Fishman makes Trey better

- The lights are out of control

- I check the setlist while I'm out at night

- Phish is helping the economy; Burrito, goo-ball, pizzadilla, heady crystal, hacky sack, frisbee and tie-dye sales are all up. However, soap, shampoo, and general hygienic product sales are down as a result of the tour.*

*Taken from Bear. 

Night II

                                               Dank. 

3/7/09 

Set I: 

Back on the Train 

Runaway Jim 

Brian & Robert 

Split Open and Melt 

Heavy Things 

Punch You in the Eye 

Gumbo

Reba 

Mexican Cousin 

It's Ice 

Haley's Comet 

Beauty of a Broken Heart

Guelah Papyrus 

Lawn Boy 

Run like an Antelope 

Set II: 

Rock & Roll

Limb by Limb 

Story of the Ghost 

Piper 

Bids of a Feather 

Wolfman's Brother 

Prince Caspian 

Mike's Song > 

I am Hydrogen >

Weekapaug Groove 

Character Zero 

Encore: 

A Day in the Life 

It feels good.

                                                   Yes. 

Watch it happen. 

9/6/09

Set I: 

Fluffhead 

Divided Sky 

Chalkdust Torture 

Sample In A Jar 

Stash 

I Didn't Know

Oh Kee Pah >

Suzy Greenberg

Farmhouse 

NICU

Horn 

Rift 

Train Song 

Water in the Sky 

Squirming Coil 

David Bowie 

Set II: 

Backwards Down The Number Line 

Tweezer 

Taste 

Possum

Theme From the Bottom 

First Tube

Harry Hood 

Waste 

You Enjoy Myself

Encore:

Grind

Bouncin' Around the Room 

Loving Cup 

The hair behind the man on the $20

Quick, President with the best hair? Easy, Andrew Jackson, duh. Andrew Jackson had a great head of hair. It's like Bon Jovi, but better. You don't want Rock Star hair, you want Andrew Jackson hair.

On the head wash

The sexual tension between you and the woman (or man) that washes your hair just before you get it cut...

It's a head massage, not a head washing and it's amazing. I'm not gonna lie, after I get my hair washed I feel guilty tipping, it's like a lapdance, but better. Except, it's in front of 15, 70 year-old women with curlers in their hair.

Is it creepy if I just go to get my hair washed from now on without the cut? Will I be arressted?

On New York, and Immigration sort of...

So I've been in New York recently, and it got me thinking...people aren't really that nice. I used to think it was just the locals that weren't nice. But now, even the people that serve you food at random deli's. etc are mean.* The 5"0, acne-ridden, toothless mexican guy at Cafe Metro is a jerk. He can barely speak english, but from what I can make of it, he's being a dick.

No offense, but shouldn't a guy like this be the happiest little jumping bean this side of the border? He gets paid more than I do, and something tells me that maybe all of his tax returns and personal identification information aren't totally crytal clear.

*To his credit, he makes a mean tuna sandwhich. The good kind of mean.

Furthermore...

I've never been in the car, or anywhere for that matter, with someone that has ever put a U2 song on, or been like, "dude, man...you gotta hear this new U2 song, it rocks." 

It just doesn't happen. Maybe my friends just have good taste.

U2, U are still the worst.

CBS is trying to get viewers to watch Letterman (because NBC has introduced Jimmy Fallon to late night television), so they have U2 closing out the show all week. Now, instead of normally watching all of Letterman, through the musical guest, I'm changing the channel to anything but U2 so I don't have to see a smug Bono pretend like he's giving the audience the most amazing existential musical experience in the history of the world.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

I turned it off after 10 minutes.* Thought it was the most uncomfortable opening to a late night show, ever. Late night shows are supposed to have a warming sort of feel; it's late, you're cranky, trying to keep your eyes open, amazed you're staying up this late just to see a musical guest or celebrity. You want to giggle, not laugh as hard as possible. As viewers, we're welcoming the host into our homes. Jimmy Fallon looks like he just peed in his pants, who wants that in their house? Nobody wants to see Jimmy Fallon's mumbling, fumbling, prepubescent 10-year old boy shtick. It's annoying.

Late night hosts usually have a unique little chotchkee on their desk; Letterman has a phone and his endless pencils, Conan an Eisenhower mug. Jimmy Fallon has a new macbook. No.

The Roots. Any band that has the drummer as the featured member should not be used for late night television. I like The Roots. That being said, they're too "cool"** for late night television. I want to hear oldies, motown covers. Not "trendy" jazzy hip-hop.***

* I'm watching again tonight. The show can only get better in the future because it was horrible last night.

** The Roots aren't cool. Having them as the house band was a good idea in theory, but doesn't seem to work out. They look cool because Questlove has an anfro, they have a tuba player known as "tuba Gooding Jr." and play a unique brand of music that allows them to seem sophisticated within the context of hip-hop music.

*** I once saw them cover Bob Dylan's Masters of War, and it was cool.

Hey Fallon, you stink.